Growing Pains

Much has happened this week; I can’t even begin to categorize the events that have taken place. My mother in law is in town, so my floors are immaculate, and my laundry has never been so done. I believe that she has actually almost mastered the art of training the laundry to run into the washer and begin washing itself. I wrote a profile on this woman, for she is quite a profound being. I’ve never met anyone like her and I am absolutely sure my future holds no duplicates either.

One of the suggestions that were made to me to improve an early stage of this profile is to include some negativity in it. I kind of chuckled inwardly at this notion because in all reality, this is completely viable and would apply to anyone else, aside from Lindy. I’m one hundred percent sure that she will eventually make a couple of miracles happen, thus earning her a well deserved sainthood.

With my floors sparkling, and my clothes freshly laundered, John, Lindy and I headed off to the Doctor for my monthly checkup. We had decided that we would do our best to guilt the doc into performing an ultrasound—I had a good reason, I really did. Now, this is going to sound a little irrational, and I’m not sure if it is or not, but it most likely was a hormone induced form of paranoia. So, anyway, I’m becoming more and more concerned as the days go by. I’m 15 weeks pregnant right now, and I’m not showing. Not only am I not showing, but I haven’t gained ANY weight. Not a single pound.

This maintaining pre-pregnancy weight stuff is cool for a month or two, but by now, my uterus is the size of a lemon, and I have a baby in there who has all their fingers and toes, and is moving around doing dances and such when I’m relaxed. So here comes the irrational part… I started to worry about whether or not I actually was pregnant still or if for some reason I was much earlier along then previously hypothesized—it just didn’t seem possible that I could be almost four months along and not look pregnant yet.

Needless to say, John took the high ground, and assured me over and over again that he was absolutely positive that everything was OK, but he would do his best to partake in the guilt laying process thus clenching our spot in the ultrasound room. He performed amazingly well, and with nothing more than a bat of his ridiculously long eyelashes, and a well spoken, “Doctor, would it be possible to get an ultrasound? I mean my wife and I are a little concerned about her lack of weight gain, and we just want to make sure everything’s all right.” We were off and running to catch a black and white shadowy glimpse of our baby.

It was amazing. My baby was doing flips in there, was posing, showing off all of its fingers and toes, and turning every which way. The one thing the little sucker refused to do was give us a glimpse of the goods, so we will have to wait yet another month to find out what we’re having. Aside from the suspense, everyone went home with a party favor; Grandma got her very own picture, I got some relief, and John got to finally hear the end of me constantly asking him if he thinks that everything is OK.

The ultrasound room was crowded—although I was thinking of some of the other people who I know would love to be able to catch a glimpse of this little shadow creature. My sister by choice, and the baby’s fairy god mother (one and the same), Ms. Beth would have been ecstatic. This revelation was coupled with a strong feeling of anguish, for Beth needs me right now and I’m so far away.

She is an incredibly strong girl and I know that she will pull through this rough time, and the tremendous pain that the loss of a loved one will bring, but I so wish that I could be there to listen to her tell me tales of her grandfather and the times that they shared. She has been tasked with delivering his eulogy, and as much of an honor as this heavy job is, it also weighs on the soul. I have no doubt that her days are filled with thoughts of him, and silent films played in her mind of her most cherished memories.

These memories may seem insignificant to many, but to someone who shares such a close bond with another human being, tranquility and order can be harvested from a simple glimpse, or the sound of your loved ones laugh. I’m preaching to the choir here, for we all will be, or have all been in a similar situation, yet it gets no easier with time. No words of wisdom can soothe this hurt, and nothing but time can dull its sting. I feel helpless to do much aside from offering a listening ear and a loving heart from across the country in her time of need.

Such events have weighed heavily on my mind, brining a much needed perspective back to its rightful place. I will not go into depth at this moment, (and I apologize if you have read this far only to feel cheated by surface statements), I just feel too tired to fully express my intended meaning. My friend Bob let me know that he could tell I was stressed by reading my blogs… I apologize for this, as it is not their intended purpose. I have yet to find out exactly what their purpose is, but I am sure eventually I will deduce something that makes a semblance of sense.

I feel profoundly lucky to have people in my life that can sense my mood through my written words, or that can make me realize that while there is nothing that I can do to alleviate their pain, I am needed for other things. I have people in my life who know that I will make something of myself and follow me blindly—even when there is no clue offered as to what that something may be. Such tremendous support and pride is thrown my way and I have never felt so nurtured even in a time of intense stress and painful growth. I know that everything will turn out OK in the end, and for that I am deeply thankful.