Time Flies

I’m right around five months pregnant, and I can’t believe how quickly this time has gone by. I think that this has to be the fastest five months of my life, which is kind of disconcerting seeing as how I’m a little more than half way to the big day. I’m sure that things will continue to go at warp speed, for it always seems that there is never a slowing down time, simply a lets pick it up and move even faster time.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how my life is going, and where I am at in it. My priorities have changed, and I have noticed that my will power is not so great anymore. I’ve always been an avid reader, but since I started taking heavy class loads and working, I’ve cut back and actually eliminated most of the reading for fun that I used to do. This past two weeks I’ve seriously rebelled against this new me and read three books back to back in two days that I WANTED to read, simply for the sake of reading them.

I stumbled across a collection of Non-Fiction short stories called In Fact which offers some very poignant advice to fledgling writers like me in its introduction. I found myself nodding and smiling along to most of this advice as I indulged this old habit until I came upon this particular jewel: “You will have time to read whatever you want after you finish college.” At 1:30 in the morning with John breathing softly next to me I got that eerie feeling that someone was watching me. I put the book down on my lap and whispered, “Alright, I get it” under my breath.

I’ve been feeling rather guilty for my rediscovered reading zealot and it took one of my treasured books to let me know, “Hey, stop slacking and do some Calculus homework rather than sit here and read me into the wee hours of the morning, I’ll still be here when your finals are over.” So, with that terrible revelation, I once again have vowed to lay my hobby to rest, well mostly to rest, I’ll still always have a book in my purse, another in my car, and one in John’s car just in case traffic gets really bad, my class starts late, or someone takes too long at the drive through window at the bank.

I don’t know what caused this sudden rebellious attitude, and why I chose to indulge my procrastinatory streak with such an old comfortable friend, but for some reason I did. I’ve been feeling kind of out of sorts lately, it’s probably hormonal, but who knows. I feel almost as if my body is on lease to me right now. It’s doing all sorts of things that it’s never done before and it certainly isn’t listening to me one way or another. I’m even getting kicked from the inside out, and I feel like I’m constantly questioning everything in my life to make sure that it is a good decision for both my baby and I.

I suppose maybe my desire to slip into old behaviors is a testament to my wish for that comfort that used to belong to me when I would sit for hours on end without a care in the world, reading for as long as I wanted, or until my mom caught me not doing what I was supposed to be doing and grounding me from my books for a period of time. I’ve been so incredibly home sick the past week or two, that it’s been difficult to watch even the stupid California Tourism commercials, you know the ones with Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about how nice visiting that state can be.

I guess maybe I’m desiring some familiarity, and stability, I’m in uncharted waters now with my life and my body making me want to withdraw and participate in old behaviors all over again. Thank goodness I have such an understanding guy, who will roll over in the early morning time to remind me that I have school in a few hours, and that maybe I should get some sleep. Someone who tells me that he knows that I can handle anything, and most of all that I am beautiful, even more so now that I have his baby in my belly.