Time for Myself

I find myself putting off blog writing whenever I get excessively busy, which in all reality would be the perfect time for me to sit down and compose something. Probably not something that would be all that enlightening for others to read, but I’m sure it would be something that would help me to sort out some thoughts. I feel jumbled when I have too much going on, it’s almost like I’m constantly on the verge of forgetting to do something really important, something that would be absolutely awful if I forgot. Most of the time, I don’t have anything all that life or death happening in my life (thankfully), therefore, if I forget something, well then, I guess that I just forgot it.

I will spend a good portion of my time reminding myself that there are certain things that I have to do; writing those things down in a calendar is one of those things that I tell myself to set time aside for. For some reason, I just can’t bring myself to consistently maintain a planner, it’s almost as if my procrastination prohibits it. I tell myself that I will write that appointment down later, and of course I remind myself daily to not forget about the appointment that I should have written down, and it slowly evolves into one of the many things that I fret about forgetting. This is such a ridiculous, pathetic cycle, but one that I partake in with regularity.

Possibly one of the reasons I don’t like to write down deadlines and things that I have to do in a planner is my oppositional defiance tends to get the best of me. I find myself rebelling against things that I am supposed to do, even if they are things that I want to do, and putting them off until the last minute. Writing things down in a planner offers me the fuel for this rebellion.

I’ve come to liken my lack of planner planning to my strange issue with the mail; more specifically, my opening of the mail. I hate mail, all kinds, voice, email, and especially snail mail. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE hearing from people that I want to hear from, I just hate the gamble I take when I open that dreaded box just to be faced with bills that I cannot pay. I hate emails that have deadlines involved in them, or anything else that reminds me that I actually have to work at a certain time, doing a certain thing, for a certain someone. I don’t like listening to my voice mail unless I know who the missed call is from… It could be someone giving me bad news of an upcoming date I should be planning for that I don’t necessarily have the space in my overcrowded brain to note and fret about at the current moment.

I find myself overwhelmed by voicemails, namely because I will refuse to listen to them for days at a time, but I cannot bring myself to simply delete them… If someone wanted to talk to me bad enough that they were willing to have a conversation, albeit a short one with a recording, than I owe them my undivided attention to at least listen to their plight… Granted, this happens after I can’t take it anymore, and I have to listen to 20 something messages before I get to the one that I really want to hear, because I have been letting them pile up for far to long.

I don’t really have much of a purpose in writing this, maybe I just wanted to expose a little more of my oddness to the world, try to shed some light on it in hopes that it wouldn’t be so odd… Upon rereading of my paragraphs I find myself and my behaviors just as odd as I did, possibly more so than I did when I sat down to compose this nonsense.

Maybe writing blogs while I’m so scatterbrained isn’t such a hot idea after all. I could be onto something with my procrastination techniques. Although, this particular time spent composing this blog has offered me an opportunity to avoid switching loads of laundry and emptying the dishwasher. More importantly, I have managed to avoid yet another half an hour or so of studying for my Calculus final, now that in and of itself is worth sounding like a babbling idiot. So, I kind of apologize that you have had to sort through my mind junk, but it has served me well so far.